Project Beauty

Most days my hair ends up tossed in a pony tail. I'm lucky if I get my face washed in the morning and at night. And make up? Am I going anywhere? If yes, then I do the basics: foundation, powder, mascara. If no, I brush my teeth and call it good. And yet, just before Brandon comes home, I find myself in the bathroom, touching up my hair so it looks presentable. Putting on make up if it didn't make it to my face that day.

That's my daily routine. And the joke of it all is on those days when forces of nature (i.e. my two boys) prevent me from doing much more than that pony tail and a clean face, those are the days when I get extra compliments from my husband. Usually I just wave them off. Give him an unconvinced thank you. Expressing silent gratitude that I have a husband who doesn't notice all that I do when I look in the mirror. Yet he continues on, with the most sincere face I've ever seen, telling me that he thinks I look most beautiful with no make up.

To that I reply, "How can you say that? You fell in love with me when my hair was always down in curls. My make up was always done." He shrugs his shoulders and says again that I look beautiful.

What is beauty? I looked it up. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of:

beau·ty

 noun \ˈbyü-tē\

: the quality of being physically attractive

: the qualities in a person or a thing that give pleasure to the senses or the mind

: a beautiful woman

So last weekend when he left out of town for a work trip, I decided to prove him wrong. The boys were playing surprisingly well on their own in their room. So I got to work. Setting up my tripod and camera. And took a picture of every stage when I get ready for the day. So pride aside, here they are:

And I discovered I can't prove him entirely wrong. While yes I think that Stage 1 is a more frightful sight, can I call myself not beautiful? No. I can't. Do I like an evened skin stone in Stage 2 better? YES! And do I like the eye enhancement from Stage 3? Yes. From then on, the blush, lipstick, the curls. Sure a nice touch for pictures. Do I think them necessary for beauty? No.

So I couldn't prove Brandon completely wrong. I don't think I was completely wrong either. But I think how I define beauty in myself has been completely warped.

Before this whole process, I thought my beauty only came in Stage 6. No, my self-esteem is not low. And I'm not posting this in search for self-affirming comments that I'm beautiful. I AM trying to prove that there is beauty in all of us, no matter the stage of primping.

As I reread through this all so familiar Young Women's theme this morning, a recurring thought came into my mind. That beauty is not just an outer quality. That beauty can come from within. What more beauty is there than a daughter of God who lives all of those Young Women values.

Young Women Theme 

WE ARE DAUGHTERS of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him. WE WILL “STAND as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places” (Mosiah 18:9) as we strive to live the Young Women values, which are:

Faith • Divine Nature • Individual Worth • Knowledge • Choice and Accountability • Good Works • Integrity • and Virtue

WE BELIEVE as we come to accept and act upon these values, WE WILL BE PREPARED to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

That is the root of beauty. The roots of happiness.

And all the people who have told me I am beautiful in my life, I hope have been seeing that. I just need to choose to see that portion of beauty too when I look in the mirror. To recognize the beauty our Father in Heaven recognizes in me. That my own children show me. When my near four year old son turns to me in the morning and says, "Mom, you are so beautiful." The giant good night hugs my near two year old gives me accompanied with mounds of giggles.

"There is beauty all around, when there's love at home." (Love at Home, Hymn 294)

And that is the beauty that matters to me most.

Teaching in the Moment

Being a stay at home mom, it is easy for me to see what I need to help my children learn. But it's how to execute the lesson so it will have the greatest impact that often leaves me puzzled. Let me give an example: 

Mason is now at the age that when Ryan takes a toy from him, he reacts, in a big way. There is screeching. pulling, and hitting from both boys. There emotions are high and each boy needs validation in their defense.

Lesson needed: Sharing

I tried time outs. I've tried talking softly. I've tried talking loudly. I've tried forced sharing. I've tried seeing if they can solve the issue on their own. I've tried helping them understand the other's perspective. I've tried asking what they think would be a good solution. Etc. Etc. Etc. And each of these tactics have worked in the moment, but none have been long lasting.

Then I talked to my friend Maureen. She shared with me how she taught her primary class about sharing. I loved her idea. I knew I had to try it. So for our next Family Home Evening, I shared a story from the friend about sharing. We sang the Primary song "Fun to Do" emphasizing Sharing a toy is fun to do, to do, to do...

Then came the big object lesson. I brought out four Lollipops and with eyes wide in anticipation I said, "look at these lollipops."

              Ryan: "Ooh, lollipops, so yummy." 

              Mom: "Don't they look so tasty."

              Ryan: "I want one!" (Reaches for one)

              Mason: (Reaches for them too)

              Mom: (with a selfish three year old voice, pulling away the treat) "No these are mine. I don't want to share. These are mine."

              

What came next I did not anticipate.

 Both of my boys burst into tears. 

Reaching hands. Words saying through tears, "No, we're sharing. We need to share!" They were mad at me.

I looked to Brandon in a silent appeal for help. This lesson had gone horribly wrong. He recovered it well, helping the kids understand what sharing is, that we need to choose to share because it makes us all happy.

30 seconds later, I kid you not, this is what happened:

Mason sits in Ryan's chair. Ryan gets angry and says, "No! That's my chair, you need to sit in yours." 

My response: (Again as a childish 3 year old) "Ryan that's my lollipop, you need to give it back to me, I don't want to share."

"Yes we are sharing."

"Nope. If you can't share your chair than I can't share my lollipops.

"But it's my chair"

"But it's my lollipop."

We went through this conversation three times. Then it sunk in! He shared his chair, willingly. Then we sang our song again with an alternate verse, "Sharing our chair is fun to do fun to do to do to do..."

Since then, sharing hasn't been perfect, but it has gotten better! We sing our song to remind them in the moment that it can be fun to share, that it helps us be happy, and it helps the concept come together.

So what does this all relate to? A concept discussed at church this past Sunday:

Teaching in the moment

When we set out to teach something to our children, it rarely goes as planned. But if we:

1. Prepare ourselves ahead of time, we won't be scrambling in the moment for ideas/solutions. When we prepare, the concepts we then teach will sink in. Becoming part of their very nature as we're consistent.

2. Appeal to Heavenly Father in prayer. Asking that the Holy Ghost can be with us to prompt us. To teach us, as we teach them. 

3. Be present in our children's daily activities. If we're not with them in the moment, then how can we teach them in the moment? Sometimes the dishes are better left forgotten so your living room can be taken over by a dinosaur invasion.

4. Repetition/ Consistency. However you feel prompted to teach, be consistent with that method. Before as I would change my reaction to their choices, they would lapse in behavior. They didn't know what to expect. When you have the same consequences and rewards, you children know what to expect. And children need, need, NEED routines!

5. 'Love our children. Sometimes we really need to remember Joseph B Wirthlin's counsel to "Learn to laugh". To love our children no matter what. They are trying to make sense of some very complex environments. They need to test the limits to know what is right and what is wrong. And we need to love them and stay positive as they make good AND bad choices. 

Later in the week when Ryan was building towers out of blocks, he was in a state of frustration. his block tower kept tumbling to the ground. After he released another exasperated sigh, I offered to help. He accepted and I suggested we build a stronger foundation for the bottom of his tower. Immediately, the Helaman 5 :12 came to mind:

 12 And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the^arock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your ^bfoundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty ^cstorm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

As we built the next tower on the stronger foundation, I talked with Ryan about this verse. Teaching him about how we need to build strong foundations too. There was such a spirit that settled on us in the room, so much so that I couldn't go on, to say any more. I just smiled and through happy tears, watched as Ryan built towers with stronger foundations. 

I can't help but think of this every day. The significant role I serve in helping Ryan and Mason build their foundation so that it can be strong enough to withstand those mighty winds, shafts in the whirlwinds and storms.

 And my conclusion of how to do this remains:

To Teach in the Moment

I still want to clarify, I think planned teachings are still very essential. They help support conversations in the moment, providing a base of understanding for children to work with. Family Home Evening, Family Scripture Study, Family Counsels are all examples of structured learning that our children and us still benefit from greatly. What I am suggesting that teaching in the moment fortifies the principles we are teaching.